A post I never wanted to write

It is with deepest grief that I write to you today. On Wednesday December 4th, at our midwife appointment, we were 37 weeks and could not find a heartbeat for our child. We went to the hospital to confirm that in fact our precious baby had died. The hospital staff was as kind and gentle as can be and were just the best we could have asked for. Our midwife stayed with us the whole time. She is absolutely the best. They induced me after we confirmed our baby's passing.

On Thursday morning at 5:06 am, our precious Jubilee Belle was placed into my arms to hold. She weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and was 20 in long. She came out holding her hand by her mouth and had a very similar expression to the one Zoe uses when she's sleeping. Zoe got to meet her sister and kept pointing to her and wanted to hold her. It was preciously heartbreaking.

We aren't exactly sure when she had passed.  I last felt movement the Friday prior but I had been diagnosed with strep throat and was coughing so much I thought nothing of it. Plus the baby has dropped and I remember right before going into labor with Zoe I really didn't feel her moving around. We rest in the fact that she is with Jesus right now and is no longer suffering. We are terribly grieved with her passing and giving up the hopes and dreams that we had of her interactions with her big sister.

We pray similarly to David in 2 Samuel 12 that someday we will go to Jubilee. We trust that our God knows what he is doing and that someday we will see at least a glimmer of how he plans to use this for our good. Right now, it's just too hard to see how this can turn out for good. We are choosing to rely on God's understanding because we can't rely on our own understanding.

We had a private memorial service for Jubilee last Sunday and it was so heartbreakingly perfect.  Our Pastor is tremendous and spoke exactly what was on our hearts. Namely that somehow this evil, awful event will be for our good and His glory.  Afterwards we scattered Jubilee's ashes at the Wintergreen Gorge.  Aaron and I spend a lot of time there which is why we chose it. Our church family has seriously been a tremendous Godsend. They served a dinner afterwards for us. We are incredibly blessed.

We would really appreciate your prayers this Christmas season as we were expecting Jubilee to arrive Christmas day.  I know that time and God's grace will heal this pain but it's still difficult right now.