Christmas, the day you were to arrive

You were supposed to arrive today but instead you came 20 days ago.  This week has been hard as I think of you often and miss all of the things we'd be doing as a family.  I've been trying to make this Christmas as special as possible for the boys we work with.  We baked so much yesterday. It was nice to have a distraction. We made 2 pumpkin rolls, 2 pumpkin pies, 1 Apple pie, gingerbread cookies, peppermint bark, fruit dip and nacho dip.

I am so thankful for our church family and the prayers they've been offering up on our behalf. They miss you as much as we do.

I'm also so thankful that although there has been years this season that I've truly felt Immanuel, God with me.  The mere fact that I can find any joy and motivation at all is a huge blessing.

I know that this peace and comfort comes only from the Prince of Peace. I pray that today He gives me more of His peace today. I love you and miss you beautiful Jubilee

more weeping

Yesterday Jubilee would have been 2 weeks old. I wept. We went Christmas shopping and everyone kept telling me how beautiful/cute Zoe is and I wept. I can't help but wonder if she would have looked like Zoe. What color would get hair be? Would she have my dimple? Would she look more like daddy? I have no doubt that she is beautiful. Her beauty has been perfected.  I can't wait to see her again.

And then there are the newborn in pictures and being carried and pushed along in the strollers. Oh how unbearable that is. I'm happy for their families I truly am but it still just hurts knowing I could be pushing a baby around too. Especially considering how quickly I've recovered this time.

Today I finally unpacked the bag of clothing I had packed to be ready for the home birth. I sobbed uncontrollably for a while. Thankfully Aaron was here to hold me.  Jubilee would be just about out of the newborn size clothes. I would have been packing them away at about this time only they should have gotten some use.

Having family snuggle time is so bittersweet anymore. I want to just find joy in it but I can't help but let the tears fall every once in a while. I am careful to tell Zoe that it is not because of her that I am crying but rather that I miss her sister and wish she were here with us. Zoe still receives many kisses and hugs and loving. She is an anchor right now.

Often I feel like I'm a walking prayer. If I'm not praying I'll just fall apart. I don't blame God but I still don't understand why He didn't allow us to keep our precious girl. However, I rest in knowing she will be with us again someday and she never had to experience the pains of this life. This experience makes me pray all the more, "Come Lord Jesus come." But I also am thankful He hasn't returned yet because it gives those who don't know Him time to repent and turn to Him and be saved.

I thought about you this week

Dearest Jubilee,

I thought of you often this week as I went about my day. Most often I thought about you when looking at your sister.

When we made Christmas ornaments I wish you were here so we could make copies of your handprints and footprints. We made a star ornament with a J to honor you. It is hanging in the tree.

When we baked cookies I couldn't help but wish you were snuggles up in the Moby wrap against my chest as your Zoe spilt flour everywhere. I imagined you covered in flour too as it would fall off my hands and on to your head.

I've had a few good cries the last few days thinking about you.  When we were on Zoe's bed reading Bible stories and praying and ended with some tickling I began to soon because we should have two little girls in that room reading and praying. Oh how Zoe would love you.

The whole way back from walking the boys to school I sobbed.  Looking at the snow, I thought about taking Zoe out to play and then promptly thought of how much I'd love to have you both experiencing snow. It breaks my heart.

I still can't believe you're gone. There are times I see my reflection and cry because my body is getting back into shape. It's more evidence that you're gone.  I don't know how I feel about the fact I can almost fit into my normal pants.  And I'm so very much missing that I should be nursing you right now. We would be laying in bed and just enjoying each other's comfort.

Something I'm very thankful for is that God is somehow allowing me to find joy in this Christmas time. I still enjoy doing all the things I've mentioned. They would just be more enjoyable with you Here.

You will always be loved my beautiful princess.

Warning: This post may be heartbreaking. . .

I never got to share our maternity photos or photos of Jubilee so here they are (all photos were taken by my Mother-in-Love Holly):

Our precious Jubilee Belle

Sisters forever.  Zoe just adored Jubilee. She calls her "JuBe"

I can't believe you're gone

I can't believe that three short weeks before you were to arrive
I found myself in a hospital bed and learned you weren't alive
I still didn't know your gender but I knew you as my own
Thankfully we know our Christ had welcomed you home.

Giving up the dreams of how our life would be
Is so very difficult, I miss you Jubilee.
I had dreams of you with Zoe playing through the day
Kissing and hugging and laughing never far away.

Your sister will miss you my dear
She couldn't wait for you to be here.
She'd lift up my shirt just to give you a kiss
We never imagined it'd be like this.

It's hard to trust when we can't see
But we rest in the fact you're where we'll someday be
We know by His Word we'll be together someday
Until that day comes we will continue to pray.

it's been one week

It's been one week since our precious Jubilee has passed.  Today was incredibly tough for me as I thought about how I should be taking her pictures and posting them on my blog. How I should be sniffing her and nursing and watching Zoe give her sweet kisses. I should not have been going back to work but rather cuddled up on the couch with my newborn.

Instead I went back to work tonight, spent most of my day crying, and attempted to pray through all the hurt.  Instead of whining though I will share some things I'm grateful for:
*family
*our church
*Zoe
*Aaron
*an incredibly quick recovery
*one of our boys giving me a hug as I walked in tonight
*wonderful friends
*knowing that others are praying for us
*a mostly clean apartment
*photos to remember Jubilee
*texts just to see how I'm holding up

There are so many questions that still go unanswered and that is hard but knowing that God is in control gives a sense of peace. I KNOW without Him I'd be falling apart instead of handling this without sobbing the entire day.

Please Lord Jesus give us comfort and fill us with your peace.

A post I never wanted to write

It is with deepest grief that I write to you today. On Wednesday December 4th, at our midwife appointment, we were 37 weeks and could not find a heartbeat for our child. We went to the hospital to confirm that in fact our precious baby had died. The hospital staff was as kind and gentle as can be and were just the best we could have asked for. Our midwife stayed with us the whole time. She is absolutely the best. They induced me after we confirmed our baby's passing.

On Thursday morning at 5:06 am, our precious Jubilee Belle was placed into my arms to hold. She weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and was 20 in long. She came out holding her hand by her mouth and had a very similar expression to the one Zoe uses when she's sleeping. Zoe got to meet her sister and kept pointing to her and wanted to hold her. It was preciously heartbreaking.

We aren't exactly sure when she had passed.  I last felt movement the Friday prior but I had been diagnosed with strep throat and was coughing so much I thought nothing of it. Plus the baby has dropped and I remember right before going into labor with Zoe I really didn't feel her moving around. We rest in the fact that she is with Jesus right now and is no longer suffering. We are terribly grieved with her passing and giving up the hopes and dreams that we had of her interactions with her big sister.

We pray similarly to David in 2 Samuel 12 that someday we will go to Jubilee. We trust that our God knows what he is doing and that someday we will see at least a glimmer of how he plans to use this for our good. Right now, it's just too hard to see how this can turn out for good. We are choosing to rely on God's understanding because we can't rely on our own understanding.

We had a private memorial service for Jubilee last Sunday and it was so heartbreakingly perfect.  Our Pastor is tremendous and spoke exactly what was on our hearts. Namely that somehow this evil, awful event will be for our good and His glory.  Afterwards we scattered Jubilee's ashes at the Wintergreen Gorge.  Aaron and I spend a lot of time there which is why we chose it. Our church family has seriously been a tremendous Godsend. They served a dinner afterwards for us. We are incredibly blessed.

We would really appreciate your prayers this Christmas season as we were expecting Jubilee to arrive Christmas day.  I know that time and God's grace will heal this pain but it's still difficult right now.