I never imagined that Mother's Day would be so hard for me. I know that I should be so grateful for my beautiful daughter Zoe, but my heart just breaks knowing that I should be holding a beautiful 5 month old daughter as well. Mother's Day should have been joyous, instead it was marked by many tears.
It all started the day prior when we were at a friend's wedding. She started her father daughter dance to Butterfly Kisses and I had to leave the room. My hopes of seeing Aaron do that with both of our girls shattered to the ground. That was a psalm 13 moment of prayer for me. When Aaron and Zoe came to find me Zoe asked, "why you sad mama?" I explained to her that I missed Jubilee. She said, "Jubee home, me hold Jubee too." It was the most preciously heartbreaking moments ever. My girl is so sweet.
Almost everything in church that day made me cry. I LOVE my church family and am so thankful for their support on Sunday. I had a few very special ladies ask how I was doing before we started church. I held myself together off and on but during Be Still My Soul, I lost it. We had that playing before Jubilee's memorial. It is a song that has always been dear to me.
Verses 3 and 4
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last
It is true that through trials we come to know Christ better and yet that pain is still so real! Thankfully, our God understands our passion and comforts our broken hearts. I'm so thankful that in His Word, the psalms are included. Because of them, I realize it is ok to cry out, "why Lord?" And "Where are You in this pain?" Now I know those are mostly rhetorical questions but they are real questions.
I feel as though my thoughts are rambling. Sorry for that.
On Sunday we also went on a hike in the Gorge where we scattered Jubilee's ashes. It was so very bittersweet. We love the gorge, but it's also a reminder of Jubilee. At times I could just see Aaron's face from that cold day. I could hear his sobs as we said our final goodbyes to put precious one. It was very sweet though watching Zoe enjoy playing at a place we've enjoyed so many times in the past.
Holding Zoe tightly only made me miss Jubilee all the more.
And every time I see my cycle begin again I have a tough day or 2. I wish this were not the case. My heart longs so much for another child that my emotions go a little haywire. Thankfully, the other day when reading to Zoe, I had an encouraging word. Our boy name has always been Nehemiah. It means according to Zoe's little Bible, God will wipe away our tears. I find hope that someday God will give us our Nehemiah. I just wish His timing more closely matched mine.
In parting, I hope to write a more joyful post tomorrow. One with lots of pictures of Zoe.