Friday, December 20, 2013

more weeping

Yesterday Jubilee would have been 2 weeks old. I wept. We went Christmas shopping and everyone kept telling me how beautiful/cute Zoe is and I wept. I can't help but wonder if she would have looked like Zoe. What color would get hair be? Would she have my dimple? Would she look more like daddy? I have no doubt that she is beautiful. Her beauty has been perfected.  I can't wait to see her again.

And then there are the newborn in pictures and being carried and pushed along in the strollers. Oh how unbearable that is. I'm happy for their families I truly am but it still just hurts knowing I could be pushing a baby around too. Especially considering how quickly I've recovered this time.

Today I finally unpacked the bag of clothing I had packed to be ready for the home birth. I sobbed uncontrollably for a while. Thankfully Aaron was here to hold me.  Jubilee would be just about out of the newborn size clothes. I would have been packing them away at about this time only they should have gotten some use.

Having family snuggle time is so bittersweet anymore. I want to just find joy in it but I can't help but let the tears fall every once in a while. I am careful to tell Zoe that it is not because of her that I am crying but rather that I miss her sister and wish she were here with us. Zoe still receives many kisses and hugs and loving. She is an anchor right now.

Often I feel like I'm a walking prayer. If I'm not praying I'll just fall apart. I don't blame God but I still don't understand why He didn't allow us to keep our precious girl. However, I rest in knowing she will be with us again someday and she never had to experience the pains of this life. This experience makes me pray all the more, "Come Lord Jesus come." But I also am thankful He hasn't returned yet because it gives those who don't know Him time to repent and turn to Him and be saved.



  1. Amanda, my heart hurts for you. I didn't want to say anything when I saw you on Sunday in case you wanted a break from crying and thinking painful thoughts, but I don't want you to think that I or any of us at FRC have forgotten your pain. We are hurting with you. This is a joyful time of year, but we still feel your heartache. Since you are our family, your tears hurt us, too. And our tears fall with yours. Remember Jesus will wipe them all away someday.

    You will be covered in prayer tomorrow. I love you, dear sister.

  2. Adiel said it well. You are on our hearts and minds. I wish we lived closer to you, and I wish we could take your hurt. You're a wonderful mother. We all love you very much.


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