The hard things and the praiseworthy things

Some of the hardest things lately are just little things.  Wednesday, as I was making my plate for lunch, I broke down in tears and ran into the apartment because I realized it was the meal we had eaten right before our midwife appointment when we couldn't find Jubilee's heartbeat.  I think the boys knew something was up because they were very quiet the rest of lunch.  Thursday, D P W came by to ask some questions/due inspections and they asked (about Zoe), "is she the only child living with you?" Ugh, I answer yes, with tears in my eyes, and the next question was "Do you feel safe with your daughter here with the boys?"  Then I had to explain why I had tears when I answered yes to that question.  The unit director that walked around with the D P W ladies, expressed his apologies and we shared a nice chat as he just lost his dad last week.

Seeing pictures like the ones from Christmas with my side of our family are wonderful, and yet heartbreaking at the same time.

All of my parents grandchildren, minus Jubilee, which is why it is sad, but I love seeing my nephew Ryan interact with his littlest brother and Zoe. He just loves them. 

I did reformat this but it didn't change unfortunately.  Zoe just adores babies. 

I believe this is when she started asking for help. 

Loving on Owen made my heart break. Over and Over and Over.

She would be an excellent big sister. And Lord willing she will be one day. 

Two babies at once.  The way it should be. 

Giving him his bottle. Big Sis material.

Kisses for mom.

And making salt dough ornaments.  I hope we can make more memories like this in the future. 

These pictures just remind me of how nice it would be for our family to have one more little one to share the joy. I wish I didn't find it so difficult, but my heart just misses Jubilee so much.  My mind knows she is where she needs to be and that she is much happier there, but my heart can't seem to agree most of the time.

There are so many things to be grateful for though: 

One of our youth who went off campus is back on campus and asked if he could come visit his "best friend" (aka Zoe). He had a birthday yesterday and asked if I could bake him some of my delicious cookies I made when he went on homepass last summer.  Yup, he remembered the cookies I made one time over the summer. LOL I will have to try to make those tomorrow.  When I saw him, he asked about the baby and hugged me when I told him what had happened. It is so encouraging knowing you are making a difference in these boys' lives. 

Zoe LOVES to read.  Today while Aaron took the boys to the home basketball game we read about 10 books in 30 minutes. No joke.  She LOVES books. Although recently she has been closing them and saying, "De En" (the end).  She also has been learning to fill in the missing word for me. She has a book Biscuit's Day at the Farm and when I read the first 4 words, she finishes with "Darm" (everything has a "D" for some reason.)  

The boys are pursuing academics more.  One always asks me for homework help and I have 5 practicing cursive handwriting.  It's kinda awesome!  I love using my teaching skills.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I'm linking up with Casey Wiegand over at The Wiegands