one month later

Jubilee was born 1 month and 1 day ago. The pain is less but it is definitely still there. I don't cry every time I'm in the shower anymore. I don't even cry every day now. However, I cry at things that remind me my previous girl isn't here anymore: seeing two sisters playing in the waiting room, seeing a shirt with two little owls jumping rope, a in in onesie saying "daddy's lucky charm", learning of the birth of a friend's daughter (even though you are happy for them), seeing Zoe feed her cousin his bottle, watching Zoe give him his pacifier, taking a picture of all the grandkids and realizing there is one missing, watching Zoe be a good mama to her doll (patting her back).

These are all things that brought me to tears these last few weeks.

And then there was the total scare of Zoe.
We found out Tuesday Zoe is moderately allergic to amoxicillin. She broke out in terrible hives all over her body. We went to urgent care and she got a shot of steroid and put on azithromicin for her ear infection and on benadryl. Then Wednesday we took her to the ER because she had a swollen face and the hives had closed in around her eyes. Thursday she had a 101 fever and the hives had become black and blue. Because I didn't realize the bruising was normal healing and because of the fever, we were back in the ER. They kept us til her fever went down. Thankfully she woke up looking great today thanks to her steroids and benadryl.

I am not normally super worried about illness but after losing Jubilee unfortunately I think the devil was plaguing me with fear. I was trying to pray through it as much as possible.

Unfortunately, this has been a tough month for us. We have had good times with family and friends as well though including making Christmas ornaments with my nephews, chasing kittens at aunt Kristin's, watching Zoe open presents and having so much fun, and being able to use this time to share our faith with our families.

Good has truly been so good to us. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas season.